Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
We smell like vodka and hangover
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