My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Is it penis luge time yet?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
