I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
