Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
We don't watch enough power rangers
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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