Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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