census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
