he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
