apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize