So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Randomize
