Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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