Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
