I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
