I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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