There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
