I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
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