My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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