I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
