GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
