I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
