Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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