It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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