I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
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