Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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