I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
