oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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