I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
