so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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