i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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