We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
