my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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