drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
