It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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