First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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