Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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