i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize