hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
