Im at strip club and am horny
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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