i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Randomize