Your tits are I can't wait for
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
