I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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