she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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