A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
