Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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