I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
