u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
