I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Omg I joined a choir last night...
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
