Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
