I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Semen is not good for contacts.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
