my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
