it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
