Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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