it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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