You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
