Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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